I'm not so think as you drunk I am.

Alcohol. God I love it. No, not what you think, I am not a wino. I don't wake up and have a shot with my coffee. (worked for a guy once who did that, scary) And I am what I figure to be .1%, that's one out of a thousand, of the male population that, get this, HATES the taste of beer. Ever heard a guy say that? Sure I'll have a cocktail ever now and again, but no I am not a drunk. I love alcohol for what people mostly say and do when they are drunk, with the lone exception of turning their cars into death seeking missiles on our roads, robbing some poor innocent of his life all because some schlep couldn't call a damn taxi. Throw those assholes in the hoosegow and melt the key.

Take Sean Kelly from my previous column. Your bride to be has just spent the last 3 months of her life talking to DJ's, photographers, florists, dress makers, and card shops. Tasting entrees, wines and deserts. Going from store to store spending endless hours on her registry. Writing guest lists, seating charts and vows. And don't forget the rehearsal dinner, honeymoon reservations, and the writing of wedding vows. All followed up by the writing of checks, checks, and more checks. And all of it done to happen IN ONE DAY. Done for the sole purpose of making it the best day of her life. And your hillbilly of a husband ruins it all with one swipe of the fist. Yes Sean Kelly was arrested on his wedding day for punching his brother in-law of only a few hours in the face. All because, you guessed it, he was drunk.

Now let's take youtube. Just go type in "drunk guy" or "drunk chick" and see how many hits you get. I'll do it for you. 71,600 for "drunk guy". 52,400 for "drunk chick". Looks like the guys "win". The first one I clicked on, I am laughing my ass off as this guy barely manages to stay upright in the course of trying to get the cooler door open in a liquor store. When he does manage to get a 12 -pack out, the added weight to one side of him sends him careening off the Doritos onto the floor, where he spends the next 5 minutes trying to get up. I could watch this shit all day.

Now most everyone can remember that one time (or two, or ten times) you had to beg for forgiveness because you were smashed. "But honey, I didn't know my face was in her breasts. I was DRUNK! I thought I was licking a cantaloupe! It was locusts, a flood! IT WASN'T MY FAULT!!" It's a built in excuse that the world has given itself for boorish behavior that gives the offender a get out of jail free card with the offended. And we are supposed to accept it and move on? Are we sure that this isn't ones true self unleashed by the liquid courage produced by alcohol? All good questions leading to the moral of the story.

Okay, okay, I have no moral to this story. It's more like the "plot". At a recent party, an attendee and I had shared a few good natured ribs. Towards the end as the person was getting ready to leave, I, in my typical joking manner, got in one last comment, to which the person turned to me and replied, "Duck POO!" Or something that sounded an awful lot like that. It may have started with the letter "F". All in front of the alarmed party's host and my 13 year old daughter. But, having been FU'ed a few times before, I took special offense at the emphasis on the second word. Not DUCK poo, like "I get the joke", but Duck POO, as in, "I have always wanted to say that to you". And, you guessed it, everyone said that she was drunk and didn't mean it.

Now I could brush it off to alcoholic influence, if indeed the person was drunk. I have no knowledge that the person was or wasn't. But I have always taken pride in the fact that I am a good judge of people, and I hope that deep down, the person didn't really mean it. Still waiting for an apology. Ah, maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion. But I am not a person who is going to give someone alcohol as an excuse. Last night I wasn't drunk, and I know what I heard.