A Guitarman's Christmas

Happy Holidays all! Oh wait, I vowed never to lower myself to the bastions of de-Christmasing Christmas. You know what I mean, in an effort to try and avoid offending someone who is a non-Christian, as if uttering the phrase "Merry Christmas" is some affront to your very well being, society has given in to the PC notion that we must make everything generic, including our holiday greetings. Bah, humbug I say! So with no apologies, I want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas.

And with that being said, I will now give you some of my very favorite Christmas songs of all time, only slightly altered for my amusement:

Cheap Vodka (to the tune of White Christmas, inspired by the ramblings of an old friend from school)

I'm drinking up some cheap vodka,
just like some wino on skid row.
Where the drunks are drinking,
and beer bottles clinking,
and I am passed out in the snow.

I'm drinking up some cheap vodka,
straight from some Russian homemade still.
May your drinks be many and strong,
and may all your hangovers be long.

The Rastaman's Song (to the tune of The Christmas Song, you know, Chestnuts roasting etc...)

Marijuana on an open fire,
Bob Marley on the radio.
Reggae songs being sung while on ganj
from Negril, up to Montego.

Everybody knows the Rasta man is getting high,
from birth until he's 92.
Although it's been smoked many times many ways,
marijuana's for you.


And lastly, straight from the memories of my childhood (my bro and I wrote this when we were just wee little tykes), I still can't believe I can remember these lyrics,...

Randolph the Green Nosed Tuna (to the tune of, oh heck, you should be able to figure it out...)

Randolph the green nosed tuna, had a very sea green nose.
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it grows.
All of the other tuna, used to laugh and call him names, (yea, we weren't so creative back then)
they wouldn't let poor Randolph, play in any Neptune's games.

Then one foggy fishing day, Neptune came to say,
"Randolph with your nose so green, won't you guide my submarine?"
Then all the tuna loved him, and they shouted out with glee,
Randolph the green nosed tuna, he'll go to the bottom of the sea.


So my kids actually know that one. Taught it to them years ago before they morphed into the brooding young teens that now stand before me. Something tells me that before I teach them the first two, I should wait a few years. Or more. I'm leaning toward more.