"...it's Czechoslovakia! It's like going into Wisconsin."

First The Guitarman would like to make one thing very clear. He does night plan on making a career out of writing about driving. Even though 2 out of my first 3 posts involved the subject, it is impossible to talk about my trip the Door County this past weekend without going 3 for 4.

Is it in the water? The genes? Are they born that way or do you have to go to school to learn the fine art of DRIVING LIKE A COMPLETE ASS!! But before I rip into cheesehead drivers, I must first say it was a very pleasant trip. Nobody yelled "Bears suck!" at me this time as I paraded around in a Bears t-shirt. The lady at the go-cart place even gave me a free ride because she said I "...spent so much already today." I appreciate the nice gesture but still wondered if she was thinking all the while, sucker. And PC junction was not crowded, and the train did not spill my food on me this time as it came around the bend.

But getting there. And back. Every time we schedule a trip to my folks place, I think to myself, I have to make that drive again. Oh it's easy enough, route wise, 3 to 31/2 hours tops. But why oh why does the cheesehead driver putz along in the left lane with a dozen cars behind him? And speed up when you try and go around him? And don't get me started on the construction zones. Am I the only person who refuses to get over LITERALLY a mile before the lanes merge? This happened not once, but twice. Each time a multitude of lemmings, swerving their cheese-mobiles out of their lane in a futile gesture to keep me behind them, were trying to say to me, "Don't be that smart, FIB. Be a putz like us!" (Note to my brethren Illinoisans: FIB = F*#king Illinois Bastard) Of course it's a phenomenon that is not restricted to our neighboring state to the north, but its just, worse. WAY worse.

OK that was harsh, and I have a lot of friends in Wisconsin. So, my apologies if I offended you. Unless you happened to be on the highway between here and Sturgeon Bay this past weekend.

That guy pisses me off!

OK how many times have you been in the car when some idiot does something to piss you off? If you said never, then you either a) don't drive, or b) are a nun. According to Arbitron’s National In-Car Study, did you know that the average person spends nearly 3 hours a day in a car? Thats a football game. Or three episodes of Survivorman. With commercials. Enough to drive the average edgy American driver insane. So have you ever thought to yourself, "...gee, I wonder how many things actually piss me off on the road?" As The Guitarman refused for 21 years to take the train to the city, he developed a love-hate relationship with the highways and his fellow drivers. Loved the time it saved me, hated the other drivers. So, in no particular order, have any of you ever been pissed off at:

The guy that won't let you pass. (and to save time, space, and angry responses from any offended persons, "the guy" will officially refer to both men and women, black or white, of any nationality or sexual gender) The guy in the left turn lane that stays behind the white line after the light turns green. The guy in the right turn lane that won't turn right on red. The guy that merges from the left lane to the right at an intersection with no right turn lane thus depriving you of your ability to turn right on red. The guy who speeds up in the parking lot when you are backing out of your space. The guy who actually STOPS on the entrance ramp to the highway. The guy who actually STOPS on the highway to let someone on the entrance ramp merge. The guy who's speed goes from 10 under the limit to 10 over the limit and back again because he is texting on his cellphone. The guy from Wisconsin. The guy from Illinois with a Packers license plate holder. The guy in the left lane doing 1 mph under the speed limit. The guy that changes lanes right in front of you and then slows down. The guy that changes lanes just before the intersection at a red light just to be the first one and then drives like Mr. Magoo when the light changes green. The guy two cars in front of you who throws a McDonalds cup out the window then jumps the curb while trying to get YOUR license plate number for telling him he is a litterbug. The guy on the country road doing less than the speed limit with 10 cars behind him waiting to pass who miraculously speeds up when you finally get the dotted yellow line. The guy from Wisconsin. The guy who hits his brakes on the highway because he doesn't like how close you are. The guy who blocks both lanes when two lanes merge even though he is STILL A FREAKIN MILE from the actual spot where you merge. The guy who has no idea that the oil filled emissions from his car are contributing 12% to destroying the ozone. The guy in the Mercedes. The guy in the Mercedes from Wisconsin. The guy coming at you with no clue that his bright lights are on. The guy who rides your bumber on the highway indicating you are driving too slow, forcing you to get out of his way, only to watch him pass you on the left, change lanes in front of you, and then slow down again, forcing you to get back in the left lane and pass him, thus allowing him to get behind you once again and start the whole bloody mess over again.

Have I left anything out? Oh yeah, the guy who complains about EVERYTHING. He pisses me off too.

Please press 1 if you are currently unemployed.

Being unemployed really sucks.

Not the part, though, where you get a tidy little sum in the mail from the state while you are actually at home NOT working. A state, mind you, that is currently in the neighborhood of $11.5 BILLION in debt. Not that they can NOT afford it, as probably a good percentage of those might just hang themselves if they didn't get their handout, thus depriving the state of the taxes generated when they spend the money, not to mention the taxes that will be paid come April 15 when they have to give some back.

Not the part, either, that you aren't actually working. Work, by definition, is actual work. And who wouldn't appreciate a mid life break, after spending 21 years in the harshest possible environment? No, not the government. And no, not the sanitation department either. I'm talking about the trading floors in Chicago. Where you go in, eyes wide open to the splendor of utter capitalism, and come out a true vulgarian, looking like what comes out of a meat grinder, unable to convince the real world that you weren't WASTING YOUR FRIGGIN LIFE developing a skill which cannot be used anywhere else.

Nor the part where the kids are off to school, the wife is happily at her job, and the amplifier is turned up to 11 while you insert a solo into a Green Day song that would make Jimi Hendrix rise from the grave. Which, of course, is followed by two hours of Survivorman, who is somewhat more believable than Bear Grylls of Man vs. Wild. Although Bear tends to lean a little more towards the "disgusting" factor, I think he does this just for ratings. Not to mention the whole "fraud" conspiracy thing. Les is the kind of guy you could sit with in a bar having a beer and maybe some roasted grubs.

No, the part about being unemployed that really sucks is.....

Give me a minute. I'll think of it.

Excuse me, but I think you've dropped something.

You can’t make this stuff up.

Stopped in traffic I see a McDonalds cup fly out of a window 2 cars ahead. First thought: get out of car, throw it back in offending vehicle. Traffic starts to move, so I did the next best thing. As I pull along side, I notice a young 25ish woman yapping away on her cell phone. Fate steps in for the first time as the light turns red, and we are next to each other. My icy stare goes completely unnoticed, so I ask her if she has ever heard of a garbage can. Ignoring me. I ask her if she would throw that on her street. More yapping. Here's where it gets fun.

Traffic starts to move and she quickly accelerates to within 6 inches of the bumper in front of her. I pull along side and repeat question number 1. She finally glances at me, mutters “hold on” into cell phone #1, proceeds to pick up cell phone #2 and mouths to me something that curiously sounds like, “duck poo”. She slows down as if to get behind me and a scene flashes in my head. She gives my license plate to some over testosteroned boyfriend who shows up at my door to remind me that his muscles are bigger than mine.

In a flash I am now behind her. She speeds up and cranes her neck to try and read my front plate in her rear view mirror but is not quick enough as I reach my street and turn off. As I glance back, I catch a glimpse of her for the last time. Her car jumps the curb and she side-swipes a street sign, and I’m thinking, there is justice in the world on occasion.

Moral of the story? Never get into an argument with a woman who carries 2 cell phones. That and MYOB.