Give me a small please.

Supersize me! Ever see that movie about the guy who eats nothing but McDonalds for an entire month? Actually pretty entertaining. My favorite part is when he orders the Double Quarter Pounder, with cheese, and has to supersize it do to his own rules on the social experiment. And then he pukes before he even finishes it. The moral of the whole story is that we Americans are supersizing our way to national obesity. Me? I don't have to worry about such trivialities, due to my Gilligan like body that devours sugar and calories, not unlike that of the modern day zombie guy that was eating the other dudes face off.

But! I am still offended that you can't go anywhere and and order a "small" anything anymore. "Small" has been replaced by "regular", meaning that portion we used to call "medium" is now the "small", and the "medium" is now the "large". And the "large"? It is now a gallon of soda, or a 5 pound bag of potato's worth of fries. On a recent trip to a Burger King, I snapped this photo of my order.

When my order arrived, I told the girl that I didn't want a large portion. She quietly ridiculed my ignorance explained my confusion by stating that this was indeed Burger Kings example of the word "small." Which of course was actually the "regular" portion.

The fries aren't necessarily the gigantic portion, and the photo doesn't look all that damning, but the container is more like what used to be a "large" fries from my teen days employed at a McDonalds. No, it is the drink that got me. Look at the cup. It has one of those shapes where they had to make the bottom smaller so that it would actually fit into the cup holder of my 13 year old mini-van. You know, the ones that predated the "Big Gulp" size cups that wouldn't fit anywhere? No, no, this actually is BK's "regular" size. You see why they can't call it "small"? It's like calling Nancy Pelosi moderate. It's supposed to be a relative term. Now when I order, I ask for the "smallest" size they offer. As if calling a portion of food or drink "small" is somehow offending the franchise.

I just can't drink all of that soda. I am like a hummingbird. I eat several small meals a day, rather than bursting my stomach lining with an entire seven course meal that threatens to explode my intestines. But a quick glance around at my fellow BK diners that day revealed that...wait a sec. I am the only one in the dining room! Meanwhile, the drive-thru was a line that snaked around the whole building. No doubt, everyone was in a hurry to get to the gym for their daily workout, and can't be bothered with getting out of the car.

What happened between the 1980's and now? Are we actually that much bigger as entire race that we need these gluttonous portions to fulfill our appetites? Were we actually starving ourselves back in the good old days by not putting enough fries and soda into our bodies? The answer, of course, is the almighty dollar. The more they sell you, the more they make. That "small", excuse me, "regular" soda they just sold is you is slowly creeping it's way towards 2 bucks. And it still probably costs them less than a quarter to serve it to you. Americas fast food empire is getting rich off of the belly of it's citizens. From now on I am going to order a "small" every time I go to a BK, or Mickey D's, or Wendy's, or Taco Hell, or any one of the 200 fast food places that dominate our towns. And watch with titillating glee as the person behind the counter says, "small, what the heck is that?" That is, until the Fast Food Police come charging in and arrest me on the spot for degrading their franchise.