A tale of two shitties. Or three.

He's back. Right when I was not in the mood for him, there he was. I looked into his beady little eyes and I could see the wheels spinning, both of us frozen in the moment. I stared at him, and he stared right back. Of course, I am talking about the squirrel.

Two minutes, three? Five? Finally I blinked.

"Ha!" he shrieked triumphantly. "You humans, with your big brains and opposable thumbs. And what have they gotten you? Nothing!!"

I was taken aback. I had a really horrible day today, and this was all I needed. It started at work with a bang. Being talked down to at age 47 like I am some moronic simpleton by somebody that doesn't sign my paychecks or shares my bed is high on my list of things I tend not to tolerate. Never mind that his nasty halitosis was enhanced by the onions on his hot dog. But mostly a nice guy who admittedly was having an off moment. Never mind, it was quitting time and the day was almost over. Almost.

F*@king duech bag, road raging, asshole screeches to a halt in front of me in the on-ramp 'cuz he thought I was yelling at him. Now, I am no angel, but I did nothing! He gets out of his car, again, in the on-ramp of a friggin' highway, and comes at me. Umm, two words immediately came to mind. Lunatic, and RUN AWAY!!! Okay, it's really three words, but ran away I did. But not before he passed me by and threw (and again, I did nothing!) a tape measure at me. At least it looked like a tape measure, as it missed me by a mile, and it sounded like a tape measure would when it hits the road doing 65. Well, I can only hope that the Illinois State Police will take the license number I gave them and stop by for a little chat with the guy. Day still ain't over.

After a fruitless 15 minutes at the shop, I returned home to be rudely and disrespectfully talked to by brooding young teen #2. Lesson for the day: never try and do homework with her when one or both of us are in a bad mood. And she still wants those $140 boots. HAH! So for my solace, I was left to grab the rake, and attack the back yard. Thus there I was, at the door to my shed, being talked down to yet again. I had had enough.

"You know what? That corn you been munchin' on? You know where it comes from? The corn fairy perhaps? NO! I'll tell you where it comes from you twitchy, buck-toothed vermin from hell! I put it there. Me and my opposable thumbs. Maybe I don't put it out anymore. Maybe I do put out, but dip it in a little anti-freeze, or rat poison first? What do ya think? So next time you decide you want to run out of the old hole for a little snack, just ask yourself. Is today the day? Is today, Jimmy Shaker day?"

And he stared back at me. He looked down at the kernel in his hand, looked back at me, and said, "I'm sorry." It wasn't much, but one out of four ain't bad, I guess.