Did I oversleep or something?

Rip Van Winkle has awoken from his long sleep. One year ago I decided that I could no longer rehash all of the days anger on the expressways into a tidy little column. I reached an Obama saturation point and had no ammo in my holster. I was fresh out of memories from my childhood. Our sports teams all sucked (the Blackhawks did come to the rescue there). There was a little upheaval in the GM's personal life which sapped a lot of juice out of him, and inspiration was fleeting. But today I stand (sit) here with a dose of fresh perspective, and a little chutzpah, though I am not Jewish. So where to point my sarcasm? Everywhere and nowhere. Yes the Guitarman returns to the blogosphere with a 5 in 5. (You expected any less?)

Republicans: Where else to start but the political arena? "And in this corner, wearing the red, white, and blue trunks, the man who puts the "I" in insult, Donald "The Intimidator" Trump!" And Jeb Bush. And Carly Fiorina. And like 2 dozen more career bullshitters politicians all with the same message. But Trumps message is different. He is the anti candidate. Instead of going by the Clinton handbook and telling everyone what they want to hear, he seeks out not just individuals but entire countries to insult. Are his ideas any good? Who knows? We can't get past his blustery, ego-inflating rants enough to find out. A president can't just piss people off on purpose. But what is the Republican field offering we independent voters as a choice? A black man that swears homosexuality is a choice and just insulted Islam, a woman who just got caught in a campaign lie, a bully Energizer Bunny, and about a dozen carbon copy rubber stampers that don't inspire anyone not sipping from the tea cup. And they won the Senate and House how?

Democrats: Obama was, is, and will be to me, the king bullshitter in all of American history. He made promise after promise that he never fulfilled. How he still won the Latino vote the second time around after he failed in his first 4 years to give them amnesty was a master con artist at his best. Oh, and I liked my insurance plan, didn't get to keep it. And how about that Nobel prize that was awarded to him for what he said he was going to do? Hasn't done it. But onto the current candidates. I am 90% sure I want Bernie Sanders as my next President. A Jewish friend told me a Jew can't win. Bullshit. If this country is stupid enough to fall for Obama's lies twice, is bigoted enough to put Trump in the lead of his party, all while half the country believes that some lying, flip-flopping, pandering, cheating, cover-up queen harpy from hell is a good choice to lead our nation, anyone can win.

Gay Marriage: Saints be praised, the good old U S of A has taken the final step in recognizing that love and equal rights shouldn't be exclusive to a select group of people. I still can't believe that the Supreme Court actually had the balls to take up the argument. But just as the LGBT community rejoices across the nation, some woman (who shall remain nameless as the mere sight of her sour puss or utterance of her name makes me regurgitate that sound that Montgomery Burns from the Simpsons made famous, hu-hu-hu-hu-hu) has to put her foot in the cake and declared that because of her faith she can't do it. I can't decide what makes me angrier. Jumping for joy like a Sweepstakes Clearinghouse winner after her lengthy 5 day stint in jail? Then going back to work and still holding up marriage licenses? Suing the state? Meeting the pope and lying about it? Her 15 minutes are up, somebody please put a muzzle on that dog before I puke. If she can't do her job, then quit. Just. Quit. Already.

Baseball: Being a lifelong Cubs fan has had it's ups and downs. Not like a swing with equal ups and downs, but more like the Giant Drop at Six Flags. Creeping up to the top every once in a millennium, and then crashing down in spectacular fashion while everyone goes "WHEEE!" But this is could be the year. And not just because it was predicted in Back to the Future 2. It has been quite a fun thing to see. BUT. The one game playoff is the stupidest thing Bud Selig has ever done. Dumber than the infamous shrug at the All-Star game that resulted in the first ever tie. More ridiculous than having the winner of said game dictate home field advantage for the World Series. Two teams that failed to win their division have a record that bests all other division winners in baseball. Its time to expand the playoffs to give deserving teams a real chance to move on. After 162 games, the Cubs and Pirates deserve a real chance to succeed. Not a winner take all game where the team with the best ace wins. Lets scrub the stain of the Selig years, and while we're at it, let Pete Rose into the Hall of Fame.

Life and Passing: I have lost two friends very recently. Life came to an early demise for both. I shed a few tears, and wondered if my time would be next. One died at 52, from colon cancer. He and I graduated high school together. I have yet to schedule a colonoscopy, and fear doing so. Not because I fear the results, but because you have to go all day without eating. My God I can't go 3 hours without eating! It might be better to die than to starve for a day. Not to mention having to sit on a toilet for 5 hours. But what I am really reflecting on is what they left this world. Both were wonderful, wonderful human beings, and great fathers. Not a disparaging word was uttered by a soul. How will people react to my death? What kind of legacy will I leave? What will people say about me at my funeral? Questions that haunt most human beings with a soul. But a little perspective has got me thinking. What can I do between now and then that will leave the world a better place than I found it? I intend to seek the answer to that question. But that doesn't necessarily mean I can't still poke fun at cheesehead drivers once in a while. I don't think many of them will be at my funeral anyway.