God give me the strength to get through today.

Today is the dreaded day. You look on the calendar, and think to yourself at the time, "Just what in THE hell am I supposed to do then?" It seems so unfair, that we have to endure this week from hell. Yea, I should do some yard work. Or clean the garage. Or paint the downstairs. Or go grocery shopping. Or go fly a kite. All tantalizing options no doubt, and I will probably try and do some combination of all that, get that last round of golf in with Mrs. Guitarman, and still go to bed knowing the awful, awful truth: it's the Bears bye week.

If you feel my pain, then you are a die-hard like me. Blue and orange to the core. I still can't fathom that people are actually planning their day, doing stuff, living a normal life, all without sitting in front of their TV for 3 hours on a beautiful fall day. Sure the Cubs just ended their magical run, the defending Stanley Cup Champion Blackhawks have begun their title defense, even the Bulls have a subplot, with DRose coming to the court now looking like the Phantom of the Opera. And my Bears? Stumbling out of the gate with a new coaching staff, and, well hell, new everything, they managed a couple of miraculous wins. But here I sit, with us at 2-4, and all I can think about is that I can't wait for next Sunday at noon.

It is a sickness I know, and there is no cure. It's not like I want to be cured either. There is a little man inside me at all times, screaming at me. He is the eternal optimist, not me. He is the one that rips the sanity from the front of my mind and wipes his ass with it, not me. He is the one that gulps down the grape cool-aid every spring training like it was magic water from the fountain of youth, again, not me. If I could have one conversation with him, just one little TÊTE-À-TÊTE to clear the air, it might go a long way toward an ultimate cure. And it might go something like this:

LMIM: Game today.

GM: I know, might be a tough one.

LMIM: What you say? They got this! Just who the hell is Aaron Rodgers anyway?

GM: Um, the guy that has beat us the last like 100 games in a row?

LMIM: Pshaw! We can pick him off, sack his ass, break his other collarbone, and make his life a living hell! He will be wishing that he took up cricket instead!

GM: I dunno, I just feel he is going to pass for like a thousand yards to Jordy Nelson and hang a 5-0 on us.

(Sound of slapping)

LMIM: Wake up! Do you remember back in training camp when everybody said you can't take a 30+ year old defensive end and make him a stand-up outside linebacker?

GM: Um, do you mean Jared Allen?

(Sound of slapping again)

LMIM: Yes I mean Jared fucking Allen!

GM: But they were right, weren't they? And please stop slapping me.

LMIM: No they were wrong, the team gave up on him, besides we've got Pernell McPhee wreaking pure havoc now, that's all that matters.

GM: But Shea McClellin is still my field general out there. I am worried.

(Sound of slapping yet again)

LMIM: WE'RE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL AND ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS ONE UNDERPRODUCING FIRST ROUND DRAFT PICK BY THE GM THAT WE SHOWED THE DOOR TO!! GET A GRIP, I RAISED YOU BETTER THAN THAT!

GM: Wait, what? We're going to the Super Bowl?

Listen, I know what I got. I got Bears-itis. I don't have NFL-itis, or FanDuel-itis, I couldn't give two craps about all of the fantasy league stuff. I don't care if Tom Brady and Mr. Rodgers go head to head on MNF while wearing woman’s lingerie. I like my home teams. I follow them all. Well, not the White Sox. Never really sure why, but a lot of it has to do with Hawk Harrelson. But I love my Bears. On any given Sunday they say. So why can’t we have like 16 "On any given Sunday's", run the table, maim half of the Packers roster, and make it to the big dance? This could be the year. If I don't believe it, who will?

Are you a Hatfield or a McCoy? Or neither, like me?

Why is it that every time I say to a liberal that Obama is a joke or Hillary is a harpy from hell do they immediately assume I am a right wing conspiricist that wants to outlaw abortion while bringing my assault rifle to service at the Westboro church? And why is it that when I say to a conservative that being gay is not a choice they tell me I am going to hell and assume I want to harvest the organs of unborn infants? To quote, and yes from some movie I have seen a dozen times, "Gray! The world is Gray Jack!" But if you pay attention during the election season, which is basically all the fricking time, that's not what the major candidates want you to believe.

Uttered by the Robert Ritter character in Clear and Present Danger, those words have fallen on deaf ears lately. It's the Hatfields and the McCoys out there kiddies, and neither side is willing to budge. I have found that for someone who tries to weigh the issues of both sides, who tries to not vote Republican or Democratic but vote for the best candidate, who has his own ideas that aren't represented by anyone, actually has no voice. I vote not for a candidate, but against one, picking the lesser of 2 evils. In my lifetime I have not rallied behind a candidate once for what he is for, but rather against what his opponent is for. Why is that? In a word politics. Politics is destroying our country.

No serious 3rd party candidate has had any chance at the White House since, hmm let me think here, Mr. Peabody get me in the WABAC machine, Ross Perot? One would have thought that in the early 90's a barrier had been broken, and the tide was turning on the monopoly of the two big parties. Little did we know that those mega fundraising machines would double down and make it impossible for anyone without a major party backing to have even a slim chance of getting elected. Is that doing our country any good? How has that worked out so far? The rich are getting richer, the poor are getting poorer, our jobs are disappearing, are youth are disengaged, and we can't even come to an agreement on how to stop lunatics from mass shootings at schools across the nation.

When Republicans scream "Benghazi!" at the Hillary backers are they fanning the flames and embellishing the facts? Of course they are! When Liberals cry about Republicans lining the pockets of and protecting millionaires are they being hypocritical? Of course they are! It's what they do. It's what they all do. Except maybe one, and time will tell. But one candidate has a message out there, one that is anti-establishment, and one that scares every other politician in Washington. The Devil has a name, and it is Bernie Sanders.

Bernie scares everyone in Washington because he dares to challenge the livelihood of every politician in the country, ie: their donors. Listen people, our government has us afraid of them. They use scare tactics to buy your vote, wasting millions, ahem excuse me, billions of dollars in an attempt to get into office so they they can spend the next 4 years paying those donors back and worrying about re-election. Pop quiz, who said, “People shouldn't be afraid of their government. Governments should be afraid of their people.” Well of course it's from a movie. I'll leave it to you to research if you care. But this government scares us into compliance by forcing us to vote for whatever candidate they force feed us. Barely half the country votes in our presidential elections. People don't care.

Look at this: 58 countries have higher turnout than the US. The list includes many countries whose governments are considered corrupt. Take Chad for instance. Human Rights Watch, has criticized the election process in Chad, arguing that they have problems such as electoral fraud, multiple voting, underage voting, and low voter turnout. In 2011, they had 57.9% of the people vote. They consider that low voter turnout, while we rejoiced when Obama was elected that we got 57.1% of the people to the polls. The bastion of free society can't muster enough of its citizens to overcome a third world nation dominated by one corrupt party? Why is that? Hmmm, maybe because they think that their vote won't matter? Or maybe because they are sick of the whole process? Maybe both? But back to Bernie.

Has anyone looked at his platform? How can anyone disagree with what he is fighting for? It's a laundry list of everything that makes sense to the average American:

INCOME AND WEALTH INEQUALITY
IT’S TIME TO MAKE COLLEGE TUITION FREE AND DEBT FREE
GETTING BIG MONEY OUT OF POLITICS
CREATING DECENT PAYING JOBS
A LIVING WAGE
CLIMATE CHANGE & ENVIRONMENT
RACIAL JUSTICE
A FAIR AND HUMANE IMMIGRATION POLICY
FIGHTING FOR WOMEN’S RIGHTS
FIGHTING FOR LGBT EQUALITY
CARING FOR OUR VETERANS
STRENGTHEN AND EXPAND SOCIAL SECURITY
FIGHTING TO LOWER PRESCRIPTION DRUG PRICES
REFORMING WALL STREET

I dare anyone to come up with a good reason why he shouldn't be our next president. Anyone, that is, that isn't already on the payroll. So go ahead and vote for Trump. Or Hillary. Or Jeb or Ted or Carly or Ben. See where it gets us. Nowhere, that's where. And if you think a Jew can't be president, than you are in the governments pocket and playing their game, just like they want you to.

Did I oversleep or something?

Rip Van Winkle has awoken from his long sleep. One year ago I decided that I could no longer rehash all of the days anger on the expressways into a tidy little column. I reached an Obama saturation point and had no ammo in my holster. I was fresh out of memories from my childhood. Our sports teams all sucked (the Blackhawks did come to the rescue there). There was a little upheaval in the GM's personal life which sapped a lot of juice out of him, and inspiration was fleeting. But today I stand (sit) here with a dose of fresh perspective, and a little chutzpah, though I am not Jewish. So where to point my sarcasm? Everywhere and nowhere. Yes the Guitarman returns to the blogosphere with a 5 in 5. (You expected any less?)

Republicans: Where else to start but the political arena? "And in this corner, wearing the red, white, and blue trunks, the man who puts the "I" in insult, Donald "The Intimidator" Trump!" And Jeb Bush. And Carly Fiorina. And like 2 dozen more career bullshitters politicians all with the same message. But Trumps message is different. He is the anti candidate. Instead of going by the Clinton handbook and telling everyone what they want to hear, he seeks out not just individuals but entire countries to insult. Are his ideas any good? Who knows? We can't get past his blustery, ego-inflating rants enough to find out. A president can't just piss people off on purpose. But what is the Republican field offering we independent voters as a choice? A black man that swears homosexuality is a choice and just insulted Islam, a woman who just got caught in a campaign lie, a bully Energizer Bunny, and about a dozen carbon copy rubber stampers that don't inspire anyone not sipping from the tea cup. And they won the Senate and House how?

Democrats: Obama was, is, and will be to me, the king bullshitter in all of American history. He made promise after promise that he never fulfilled. How he still won the Latino vote the second time around after he failed in his first 4 years to give them amnesty was a master con artist at his best. Oh, and I liked my insurance plan, didn't get to keep it. And how about that Nobel prize that was awarded to him for what he said he was going to do? Hasn't done it. But onto the current candidates. I am 90% sure I want Bernie Sanders as my next President. A Jewish friend told me a Jew can't win. Bullshit. If this country is stupid enough to fall for Obama's lies twice, is bigoted enough to put Trump in the lead of his party, all while half the country believes that some lying, flip-flopping, pandering, cheating, cover-up queen harpy from hell is a good choice to lead our nation, anyone can win.

Gay Marriage: Saints be praised, the good old U S of A has taken the final step in recognizing that love and equal rights shouldn't be exclusive to a select group of people. I still can't believe that the Supreme Court actually had the balls to take up the argument. But just as the LGBT community rejoices across the nation, some woman (who shall remain nameless as the mere sight of her sour puss or utterance of her name makes me regurgitate that sound that Montgomery Burns from the Simpsons made famous, hu-hu-hu-hu-hu) has to put her foot in the cake and declared that because of her faith she can't do it. I can't decide what makes me angrier. Jumping for joy like a Sweepstakes Clearinghouse winner after her lengthy 5 day stint in jail? Then going back to work and still holding up marriage licenses? Suing the state? Meeting the pope and lying about it? Her 15 minutes are up, somebody please put a muzzle on that dog before I puke. If she can't do her job, then quit. Just. Quit. Already.

Baseball: Being a lifelong Cubs fan has had it's ups and downs. Not like a swing with equal ups and downs, but more like the Giant Drop at Six Flags. Creeping up to the top every once in a millennium, and then crashing down in spectacular fashion while everyone goes "WHEEE!" But this is could be the year. And not just because it was predicted in Back to the Future 2. It has been quite a fun thing to see. BUT. The one game playoff is the stupidest thing Bud Selig has ever done. Dumber than the infamous shrug at the All-Star game that resulted in the first ever tie. More ridiculous than having the winner of said game dictate home field advantage for the World Series. Two teams that failed to win their division have a record that bests all other division winners in baseball. Its time to expand the playoffs to give deserving teams a real chance to move on. After 162 games, the Cubs and Pirates deserve a real chance to succeed. Not a winner take all game where the team with the best ace wins. Lets scrub the stain of the Selig years, and while we're at it, let Pete Rose into the Hall of Fame.

Life and Passing: I have lost two friends very recently. Life came to an early demise for both. I shed a few tears, and wondered if my time would be next. One died at 52, from colon cancer. He and I graduated high school together. I have yet to schedule a colonoscopy, and fear doing so. Not because I fear the results, but because you have to go all day without eating. My God I can't go 3 hours without eating! It might be better to die than to starve for a day. Not to mention having to sit on a toilet for 5 hours. But what I am really reflecting on is what they left this world. Both were wonderful, wonderful human beings, and great fathers. Not a disparaging word was uttered by a soul. How will people react to my death? What kind of legacy will I leave? What will people say about me at my funeral? Questions that haunt most human beings with a soul. But a little perspective has got me thinking. What can I do between now and then that will leave the world a better place than I found it? I intend to seek the answer to that question. But that doesn't necessarily mean I can't still poke fun at cheesehead drivers once in a while. I don't think many of them will be at my funeral anyway.