Let's clear the air.

You ever hear, or utter for that matter, the phrase, "...he walks around like his shit don't stink?" Not to be taken literally, it does not assume the offender parades around with poop stained undies, but rather possesses an air of indifference that exudes, "I am better then you." But we all know that everyone's poop does stink. Some more than others, and at times, an adventurous dinner choice can leave one with enough gas and foul smelling detritus to make his or her presence felt in ways that it shouldn't. It might be even glamorous now to have stinky crap. Ever see the commercial for Poo-Pouri, with the hot Brit gal telling us about the motherlode she just dropped? Cracked me up. But dear readers I am here to inform you that yes, my shit stinks.

It's not that I go around crop dusting everyone in my general vicinity with built up noxious fumes all the time. I do on occasion, but that is not the point today. And it's not like I am some un-trained puppy leaving piles around the house because someone won't open the door in time. I use the lavatory for it's intended purpose: to dispose of my bodily excrement. Oh sure, there are plenty of other fine uses for the bathroom. To take a bath for instance, hence the name "bath" room. Or brushing ones teeth. Or combing one's hair. Or using makeup, hair gel, athletes foot spray, toe nail fungus remover, band-aids, nail polish remover, under arm deodorant, shaving cream, cake frosting, or whip cream. Hey, to each his own. But each of those uses CAN be done in the loo whereas the former HAS to be done there. It's not like I have some other option, wooded lot behind me with a pile of leaves not withstanding.

No, a mans home is his castle they say, and every castle has it's throne. And any good king sits on his throne once a day at his given time, dispensing his kingly duties. My time is every morning after a cup of coffee, somewhere in the business section of the paper. I am predictable, as much for the timing of the event as the odor that accompanies it. So it is with a dose of sincerity that I offer my humblest apology to anyone who has been offended my being human in the area of bodily waste. I will make every effort to quash the offending aromas with whatever means are available. Be it a ceiling fan, air freshener, a bottle of Poo-Pouri, a candle, or even an industrial sized laboratory chemical fume hood should I ever feel the need to relieve myself in a chem lab. But it's just me being human. Here's hoping the shit doesn't hit the fan.